One man (lets call him Johnny) came to gun shop. J(ohnny):I want a pistol S(alesman):Choose from this wall (points at wall full of pistols) J: (points at biggest pistol) I want this, S: An .44 Magnum? And for what purpose? J: For shooting cans. S: (points on smaller handgun) For shooting cans is the best this one. J: (points again on .44) No, I want this one. S: And what cans will you shoot at? J: Um...Mexi-cans, Portori-cans, Afri-cans...
A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.
The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:
"I was a father all my life, I had no children, had no wife, I read the bible through and through on my way to Timbuktu ... "
The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went We met three women cheap to rent. They were three and we were two, So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..... "Go get your Mother."
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The
first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know
I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position
still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his
pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip.
Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob
sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking
on the fire.
"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"
"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was
sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over
my eyes and said 'guess who'?"
I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through
nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two
dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs
and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And
then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."
So here I am.
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
