A girl invites her boyfriend home for dinner and tells him they'll go for a long ride after that.
Boy is eager and gets his motorbike checked at the garage. The
mechanic tells him everything is ok except the tank cap, which is
slightly loose. So as to avoid water going in. The boy immediately
purchases a tube of vaseline and heads off towards his girlfriends
house.
Upon reaching there his girlfriend tells him secretly that the
situation in the house is bad as nobody at home has done the dishes or
chores for several weeks and the house is a complete mess and that they
had decided that whoever speaks first today at dinner would clean up
everything.
Boy enters the house and sure enough the place is unbelievably dirty
and everyone sits down silently at the dinner table. The boy gets a
mischievous idea and jumps on his girlfriend rips of her clothes and has
take her in front of everyone.
Girlfriend gets excited, mom is embarrassed and dad is furious. But nobody speaks a word.
After sometime the boy gets another idea and this time goes to
mother and has s*x with her. Mother is excited, daughter and father are
infuriated. But still nobody speaks.
A little more time passes and the boy hears a clap of thunder and
remembers his bike and whips out the vaseline and gets up when the
father screams ,"OH NO. I' LL DO THE DISHES"
A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am." The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. "Of course, my son," said the priest. "Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her." "That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest. "It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her s*xual favors," continued the old man. "Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest. "Thanks, Fat...
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow. Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
A girlfriend and boyfriend walked into the girlfriends house and the girlfriend said to her mom, "Mom, me and my boyfriend are going up to my room" and the mom says, "Ok honey, you kids have fun." When they are up their the mom hears: "Baby baby baby oh!" The mom walks to the door and ask, "What the hell is going on?" The girl says, "Mom were just having s*x." and the mom says, "Oh thank god I thought you guys were listening to Justin Bieber."
A rich man and a poor man were sitting at a bar having a few drinks and they got chatting. after a while they realise both of there wedding anniverserys are the next day. Poor man, "What did you get your wife for her wedding anniversery?" Rich man, "I got her a pink farrari and a diamond ring." Poor man, "What made you choose those gifts?" Rich man, "She loves fast cars and I wasnt sure about the ring so if she doesnt like it, she can take it back in her new car... " The poor, "Man nodds in agreement." Rich man, "What did you get your wife?" Poor man, "I got my wife a pair of cheep slippers and a dildo." Rich man, "Why did you choose those gifts?" Poor man, " Well if she doesnt like the slippers she can go f*uck herself."
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in.
After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second
guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out
during late night."
The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I
say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down
between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there
will be no complaints in the morning."
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into
the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20
minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face.
As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed, "What the hell are you doing in here?!"
"Quiet!", she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother."
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his
legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down
from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to
meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you
mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your
bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air
screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle
George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the
mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by
the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At each of the houses along his route, he was met with congratulations, farewells, cards, and gifts of all types and values.
At the final house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
young blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently
led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up
the stairs to the bedroom where they had a most passionate liaison.
Afterwards, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under
the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, ".....but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day and that we should do something special for you. I asked
him what to give you?"
He said, "...Scr*w him .........give him a dollar."
The blonde then blushed and said, "....But the breakfast was my idea."
A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password to their computer.
A husband, "Put 'MYPENIS' " and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause on screen was error, "Error. Not long enough."
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the
living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of
b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your asses in
the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of
language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her
son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for
riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For
those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the
kitchen."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into
a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up
and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's
an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your
neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he
tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is
probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"
